
HDENISON L COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Larse Catalogue Free. 
Price ISc each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 



.7- 4 
9 7 



6 14 



Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2y2 hrs (25c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 154 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2J^ 

hrs (25c) 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (2Sc) 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2y^ hrs (25c) 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 h. (25c) 9 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. 

(2Sc) 17 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2}4 

hrs (25c) 7 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc-) ^ 7 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2j4 h. (25c) 7 
Civil Service, 3 acts, 2i/4 hrs. - 

(25c) 6 

College Town, 3 acts, 2]/^ 

hrs (25c) 9 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 254 hrs (2Sc) 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 21^ hrs. 

(2Sc) 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc) 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2'/2 

hrs .(2Sc) 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2-%. firs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, Ifii h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, V/z h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

_ Wz hrs (25?) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 ' 

hrs (25t) h 4 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 ^ctrsf.' 

2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowbov, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs '. (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 



6 4 

5 5 



6 4 
8 4 



In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, IV^ hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c)10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, IJ^ hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2^4 h..(25c) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2}4 hrs. 

CSc) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr. (25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) S 2 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 21^ hrs.... (2Sc) 4 7 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, 1^ hrs.(25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 8 6 

Old School at Ilick'ry Holler, 

154 hrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2Ys hrs ..(25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, lJ/2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 S 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2Y2 h. (25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, -2 acts, 2^4 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

Savagelandi 2 acts, 2f4 hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1J4 'irs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs. . 6 6 
Sewing for flie Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 25^ h. ( ^5c) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destinv, 3 acts, ?'/2 

hrs '. (25c) 9 15 

Tonv. the Convict, 5 acts, ;'''•> 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2!4 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^^ hrs. 

(2Sc) 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, \'A hrs.f 25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2>4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 

hrs r25c) 7 10 

Lender the Laurels, S acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2]^ hrs. (25c) 5 ,1 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers.154W. Randolph St.. Chicago 



FOILED, BY HECK! 



A TRULY RURAL DRAMA 

In One Scene and Several Dastardly Acts 



BY 

FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

AUTHOR OF 

'The Press Agent's Handbook," "At Harmony Junction. 
Composer of "Laughing Water," etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



2.49 F57 
FOILED, BY HECK! ^"^^^ 



CHARACTERS. 

Reuben Hanks A Nearly Self-made Man 

Mrs. Matilda Hanks. Who Did the Rest 

Irene Hanks Their Perfectly Lovely Daughter 

Clarence Codd A Hero in Homespun 

Olivia de la Vere The Plaything of Fate, Poor Girl 

Sylvester Brewster. With a Viper's Heart 



Time — Between Sunup and Sundown. 



Place — The Mortgaged Home of the Homespun Drama. 



Time of Playing — About Thirty-five Minutes. 



Notice. — The professional acting rights of Foiled, By Heck! 
under whatever title performed are fully protected by copyright 
and infringements will be rigorously prosecuted. This in no way 
affects the rights of amateurs to give public performances without 
payment of royalty. Professionals must apply to the author, care 
of the Publishers. 



COPYRIGHT, 1917, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 



©J1.D 47789 
SEP 121917 




FOILED, BY HECK! 



DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS. 

Irene — "Perfectly lovely" ; coy, dainty and petite ; every- 
thing that an ingenue ought to be ; wears her hair down her 
back in a braid ; short gingham dress ; pinafore ; sunbonnet. 

Clarence — Rawboned and gawky, except at dramatic 
moments, when he can be as mock-heroic as he wishes ; 
soft negligee shirt, collar opened at the neck, sleeves rolled 
back; overalls or homespun trousers, well patched, tucked 
in cowhide boots ; may either wear red crop wig, or have 
hair slicked down and parted in the middle ; sunburned. 

Olivia — The more "vampirish" she is, the better; hand- 
some evening gown and opera cloak; plenty of jewelry; 
talks slowly and tragically. 

Sylvester — Pale, thin-lipped ; short cropped black mous- 
tache, or with the ends waxed and turned up ; wears either 
full-dress with silk hat, or riding clothes with derby hat (can 
change from one costume to the other between scenes, if 
desired) ; a typical villain of melodrama. 

Reuben — Past middle age, slightly stout, hale and hearty; 
sunburned make-up; half-bald or "Uncle Josh" wig; cos- 
tume similar to Clarence's, with linen duster over it ; smokes 
a corncob pipe. 

Mrs. Hanks — Typical farmer's wife, may be stout or 
thin ; hair done up in a tight knot on the back of her head ; 
plain dress, soiled, torn and patched ; apron ; her manner is 
somewhat shrewish. 

Note — All the characters in this play may be slightly 
overdrawn in make-up as well as in word and action, but 
exaggeration should not be carried so far as to make them 
appear grotesque. This play should be done as high trav- 
esty, not as slapstick burlesque. 



NOTE TO THE STAGE DIRECTOR. 

To get all the fun out of this play that there is in it, it 
must be rehearsed and staged with all the care, thoroughness 
and attention to detail that you would devote to a legitimate 



4 FOILED, BY HECK! 

dramatic production. There is nothing more deadly than a 
humorous sketch indifferently presented. Dramatic travesty 
calls for the highest type of ability and serious preparation, 
if it is to be effective. 

The secret of putting a travesty across is to play it in 
absolute seriousness. The characters must not seem to be 
aware that they are doing or saying anything funny. No 
matter how absurd or incongruous the player's lines or stage 
business may be, he must, for the time being, lose his sense 
of humor, and play his part as though it were intensely 
dramatic. 

The parts are to be over-played, of course. Irene must be 
sweeter than any ingenue ever was ; Clarence, an ultra- 
manly hero ; Sylvester, a devil who would rather say 
"Curses !" than eat ; and so on. But the over-emphasis 
must always remain true to character. 

All players must become absolutely letter perfect in their 
parts, so that the dialogue will run along briskly without a 
break and the fun will be constantly sustained, and stage 
business must be rehearsed until it goes without a hitch. 
Once the fun lags, or the audience loses interest in what is 
going on, it will be very hard to pull the show out of the 
fire. Keep it going forward all the time. Rehearse until 
each player can pick up all his cues without a second's 
hesitation. Then slow it down where the stage business 
demands, and introduce all the original by-play you can 
think of, so long as it does not descend to the level of cheap 
burlesque. Get the play to running like clockwork, and there 
is no reason why "Foiled, By Heck !" should not be one 
continuous laugh. 



PROPERTIES. 

Corncob pipe for Reuben ; dish or pie-tin for Mrs. Hanks ; 
powder puff for Irene ; lorgnette for Olivia ; wisp of rye 
straw, gaudy silk handkerchief, big cigar, matches, pitch- 
fork and pail of milk for Clarence; cigarettes, matches, 
handkerchief and razor for Sylvester; two long envelopes, 
each containing legal document, and copy of Police Gazette, 



FOILED, BY HECK! 5 

in mail box ; oil-can on well-curb ; checker board and check- 
ers on box ; pail of water in well ; one or more milk cans ; 
two or more soap boxes ; glass crash box off-stage. 



STAGE SETTING. 



Wood or Garden Drop 




Mall Box n 



C:::^ Bench 



O «„„/^\T Wood Wings 
Set Tree 



Milk Cans 
OO 



BoxD "1- 



Wood Wings 
Well-Curb 



OPall 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R. C, right cen- 
ter; L.J left; / E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; 
R. J E., right entrance up stage, etc.; R. D., right door; 
L. D., left door, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or scene running 
across the back of the stage ; up stage, away from footlights, 
down stage, near footlights ; i G., first groove, etc. The 
actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



FOILED, BY HECK ! 



Scene — Exterior of the Hanks farmhotise. Wood or 
garden drop. Set cottage, with porch, R. Wood wings L. 
Picket-fence across stage in j_, with gate C. Mail box on 
fence. Well-curb, with tin dipper and large oil-can on It, 
down L. Set tree up L. C. Bench, down R. Saw-buck, 
milk-pails, scythes, boxes, baskets, etc., ad lib. Green baise 
down; grass-mats. Lights all up with curtain. 

Quick curtain to m,usic, "I Want to Go Back to the Farm," 
with m,ocking-bird call, rooster-crow and other farm animal 
effects. 

Reuben and Clarence discovered, seated on boxes down 
C, playing checkers. Music pp. 

Reuben, {making a play). Wal naow, by cracky, see 
if ye kin keep me from jumpin' ye. 

Clarence. By jiminy, ye got me in a pretty dosh-burned 
all-fired tight place, all right, by thunder! {Scratches his 
head.) 

Enter Mrs. Hanks froin house on to porch. She is dry- 
ing a dish on her apron. Music stops. 

Mrs. H. Clarence, Clarence ! Now where is that pesky, 
good for nothin' hired hand? 

Clarence {plays). Thar, by ginger! Now jump me if 
ye kin ! 

Mrs. H. Reuben ! 

Reuben. Yes, my love. 

Mrs. H. Where is that lazy lout of a Clarence Codd? 

Reuben {plays). I dunno. I see him goin' daown to th' 
medder a while ago to milk th' brindle caow. 
Clarence rises and exit up L. 

Reuben {calls to L.). Hey, Clarence! 

Clarence enters down L., with pitch-fork and milk-pail. 

Clarence. Yes, sir, 

6 



FOILED, BY HECK! 7 

Reuben. Miz' Hanks hez ben lookin' fer ye, Clarence. 
Where ye ben? 

Clarence. Out in th' flower garden, gettin' a sack o' 
flour. Say, Miz' Hanks, one o' the bees hez got th' hives. 

Mrs. H. Hez th' mail man gone by yit, Clarence? 

Clarence. No, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Then see if he left any mail in th' box, and 
don't be all day about it, neither. (Exit into house.) 
(Clarence gets mail out of box up stage.) 

Reuben. What ye git out o' the box, Clarence? 

Clarence. Nothin' but a letter for Irene an' this week's 
Country Gentleman. {Opens a copy of Police Gazette and 
starts to read.) 

Reuben (tragically). Bills, bills, bills! Shall I never 
pay off the mortgage on the old farm ? 

Clarence (looks romantically at envelope). Irene! 
Irene Hanks ! What a beautiful name ! To kiss your lips 
as I kiss this paper (kisses envelope rapturously) and to 
press you close to my heart ! (Puts envelope in hip pocket.) 
But what chance have I, Clarence Codd, a poor working 
boy? Ah well, such is life. (Tears wrapper off a stick of 
chezving gum and chews vigorously.) 

Reuben. Clarence, how much did the brindle caow give 
today ? 

Clarence. Two quarts, Mr. Hanks. 

Reuben. Two quart ? You mean two gallon, 

Clarence. I said two quarts. 

Reuben. And / said two gallon. And never yit in nigh 
on to fifty year hez th' tongue of Reuben Hanks uttered a 
falsehood. (Points sternly to zvell-curb.) Clarence, do 
your duty ! (Exit.) 

Clarence sets pail under spout and turns crank; reads 
Police Gazette while turning. Music, "Sunbonnet Sue." 
Irene enters blythely. 

Irene. What a perfectly lovely day! (at top of steps). 
How beautifully the flowers bloom (coming down steps) 
and how sweetly the little birds are singing! (Rooster 
crows.) This is simply perfect weather for hay fever. 



8 FOILED, BY HECK! 

(Daintily powders her nose. Sees long envelope protruding 
from Clarence's pocket.) Oh! {in dainty surprise). A 
letter for me? How perfectly lovely! {Takes envelope 
from Clarence's pocket and reads letter.) "Dear Miss 
Hanks : Your Uncle Ludwig Fineheimer has died, and 
his will leaves all to you. Come to Milwaukee at once and 
take possession of the brewery. Jiggs and Biggs, attorneys. 
P. S. — Guard this letter as you would your life. There is 
a dark plot afoot to rob you of your inheritance!" How 
perfectly lovely ! Now I can go to Milwaukee and live in 
a nice cool brewery. {Sees picture on cover of Police 
Gazette.) Oh, how perfectly lovely! {Takes magasine 
away from Clarence and reads it.) 

{Ignoring her entirely, Clarence finally pours the pail 
of milk into the well and takes out a pail of water. Music 
stops.) 

Clarence. Thar! Thank goodness, th' milkin' chores 
is over! {Pours water from, bucket into milk-pail.) Oh, 
hello, Irene. I got a letter for ye. 

Irene. Yes, I got it by special delivery. And Clarence, 
what do you think? 

Clarence. I never think. 

Irene. Uncle Ludwig is dead. 

Clarence. Dear me, how annoying. 

Irene. Yes, and he has left all his property to me. 
{Enraptured.) Clarence, I am an heiress! 

Clarence {imitates her inanner). How perfectly lovely ! 

Irene {pouting). That's just what I was going to say. 
{Music — ''Hearts and Flowers."') 

Clarence {taking Irene's hand tenderly). Irene, there 
is something that I have long wanted to say to you. 

Irene {softly). Yes, Clarence? Something to say to 
me? 

Clarence. Yes, something to say to you. For years my 
lips have been sealed, for what had I, a poor working boy, 
to offer you? But now that you have a million dollars, I 
can speak freely. Irene — sweetheart — I love you ! Will 
you marry me? {Music stops.) 



FOILED, BY HECK! 9 

Irene. Why, Clarence, you surprise me. How could I, 
an heiress, with a brewery in Milwaukee, marry a poor farm 
hand ? 

Clarence (zvith pathos). Then you don't — you don't 
care — 

Irene. Oh, Clarence, how can you doubt my love for 
you? But don't you see how impossible it would be? No, 
you must rise in the world — 

Clarence. I'll get a job running an elevator. 

Irene. No, Clarence, I shall wed none other than a 
moving picture hero. When you have finished your cor- 
respondence course, and get a job as leading man in the 
movies — then, but not till then — 

Clarence. Irene, my darling! I shall live — and hope. 
(Thunder.) How sinister the weather sounds this morn- 
ing ! I fear a storm is coming up. Let us seek shelter in 
yonder cottage. 

Irene. Oh, how perfectly lovely! (Exeunt into house.) 

Lights all dozvn. Music mysterioso. Enter Sylvester 
up L. in spotlight, back of fence. Crosses to C, comes 
through gate, dodges back of tree for a moment, peering 
around it, strides to house, pecks in zvindozv, comes C. 
stealthily, zuhistles fiercely through his fingers. Olivia 
enters. 

Sylvester. Hist ! 

Olivia. Can't you see, I'm histing all over ! 

Sylvester. What a wild night this is ! 

Olivia. What are you up to now, Sylvester? What 
deed of evil causes you to stir abroad in all this nasty 
weather ? 

Sylvester. Taunt me not, woman, but do as you are 
bid. Go, fetch me the document that lies in yonder mail 
box. . 

Olivia. Is there a letter in the box? 

Sylvester. There is if the property man didn't forget to 
put it there. Make haste, delays are dangerous. (Olivia 
gets letter from box and gives it to him. He opens it, tries 
to read it, turning it upside dozvn tzvo or three times, etc.. 



10 FOILED, BY HECK! 

and then hands it to her.) You read the letter, Olivia. I 
have forgotten my spectacles. 

{Music stops.) 

Olivia (reading). "Mr. Clarence Codd, Dear Sir." 

Sylvester. Curse him ! Yes, yes ; go on ! 

Olivia (reading). "We are glad to report that you have 
graduated from the Correspondence School of Moving Pic- 
ture Acting with high honors, and enclose herewith your 
diploma. If at any time — " 

Sylvester. Cease ! I have heard enough ! Once that 
paper falls into the rightful hands of Clarence Codd, Irene 
will be beyond me power ! For she will marry none other 
than a motion picture hero. (Snatches letter from Olivia.) 
Curse him ! 

Clarence enters on to porch, from house. 

Sylvester. I shall win the gyurl by fair means or foul, 
or my name is not Sylvester Brewster ! 

Clarence (coming down steps). Then, Sylvester Brew- 
ster, your name is mud ! 

Sylvester. What, you here? 

Clarence. Yes, I would parley a few words with your 
lady friend, so you'd better beat it. And tell the electrician 
that the storm is over. 

Sylvester. Foiled, and by a mere strip of a boy ! 
Curses ! (Exit L.) 

(All lights up full.) 

Olivia. Oh, sir, you are just in time. That black- 
hearted rascal plots your downfall. 

Clarence. Did he put some axle grease on the front 
steps ? 

Olivia. He has taken the paper. 

Clarence. Oh, then you are a subscription agent? ' 

Olivia. Oh, my young friend, do you not realize that 
your whole future is at stake ? 

Clarence. Steak? That reminds me. I ain't finished 
supper yet. And say, lady, don't slam the gate on the way 
out. (Exit into house.) 



FOILED, BY HECK! 11 

Olivia {enraptured). He has feet just like Charlie 
Chaplin's ! Ah, if it had been he, and not another, those 
ten long years ago, I would not stand here today — betrayed, 
abandoned, broken ! 

Enter Sylvester. 

Sylvester. So am I, broke, as usual. Woman, what 
are you doing here? 

Olivia. Standing here. 

Sylvester. All right. Only don't stand so close to the 
ground. 

Olivia. Oh, you are so cruel to me — cruel ! Surely, 
Sylvester, surely you don't begrudge my coming back once 
a year, just to see the old farm, and to visit the graveyard 
on the hill? 

Sylvester. Sh ! Not so loud ! Tell me, Olivia — what 
do you know of the graveyard on the hill ? 

Olivia. I know enough of your dark past, Sylvester 
Brewster, so that one word from me would send you to 

Sylvester. To the penitentiary? 

Olivia. Worse than that. To (near-by town). 

Sylvester. Curse you, Olivia de la Vere ! I rue the 
day you ever crossed me footpath ! 

Olivia. Silence, you worm ! You miserable, pie-faced, 
sun-scalded cauliflower ! 

Sylvester. Olivia, my darling! Then you love me, in 
spite of all? 

Olivia. Yes, in spite of everything, even your face. 

Sylvester. Never mind my face. 

Olivia. I never did. 

Sylvester. Hist ! 

Olivia. I've done all the histing I intend to. 

Sylvester. Zounds, woman, you are driving me to des- 
peration. 

Olivia. He's getting peevisher and peevisher every day. 
Well, all husbands are just ahke — at least, all of mine were. 
(Exit.) 

Sylvester. I must have a care. If the woman thinks my 
love for her is waning, she's likely to kick up an awful 



12 FOILED, BY HECK! 

mess. Curse her, she knows too much ! Why, oh why, did 
I marry a woman with a college education ? I must find 
a way to Maxim silence 'er. Then {clenches first), when I 
get the other girl in me power — (glass crash off stage). 
But hark! Do I hear something, or anything? I will hide 
myself behind yon sturdy oak. (Goes L. of tree, kicking 
over milk-can.) 

Enter Irene on porch from house. 

Irene. I thought I heard a noise. Who's there? 
Sylvester. Nobody. 

Irene. Come, Clarence, there is no one here. (Comes 
dozvn steps.) 

Enter Clarence from house. 

Clarence. Then we are alone. 

Irene. How perfectly lovely ! 

(Sylvester strikes match on shoe and lights cigarette.) 

Irene. Hark! What was that? 

Clarence. Gosh, that wasn't nothin' but the crocuses a- 
croakin' in your ma's flower garden. (They sit on bench.) 

Irene. Oh, Clarence, I feel as though something was 
hanging over me ! 

Clarence (looking up). Oh, the scenery is tied up, safe 
enough. (They look bashfully at each other.) 

Irene (nudging him with elbow). Well, start something, 
start something. 

Clarence. Gosh all hemlocks, Irene, that ain't no way 
to give a feller a chance to propose to you. 

Irene. I don't have to give you a chance. Why don't 
you take a chance? 

Clarence (kneels). Irene, Irene, my darling queen — 

Irene. Don't do it in poetry. It makes it so much verse. 

Clarence (angrily). By heck, will you shut up? 
(Softly.) It is at a moment such as this, Irene — 

Irene. Why are you in such a hurry to propose to me ? 

Clarence. I want to get it out of my system before the 
villain starts pursuing you. 

Sylvester. Curse him! He suspects my whereabouts! 
And these are the only clothes I have to wear about. (Exit.) 



FOILED, BY HECK! 13 

Clarence. Irene, maybe I hain't got no right to talk of 
loving you, but there's something here (puts hand over his 
heart) — 

Irene. Why don't you scratch it ? 

Clarence. Something that is hammering so fiercely that 
I have to carry my cigars in the other pocket. {Takes big 
cigar out of right vest pocket, lights it, hlozvs smoke toward 
her.) 

Irene. Good night ! And they said the cabbage crop was 
a failure ! 

Clarence. I love you, Irene, and you alone. I know 
your father is the worst drunkard in Squedunk, and they 
hung your brother for a hoss thief, but maybe you ain't as 
bad as your face is painted. 

Irene. The best girl in the world would be proud to 
cherish such a love as yours. If you will only keep sober, 
Clarence, you can make me so happy ! 

Clarence. Ah, but there can be no happiness for me, 
with the shadow of my future hanging over me ! 

Irene. You mean — ? 

Clarence. Of course I do. I have never received my 
moving picture diploma. 

Irene. You should worry. 

Clarence. Let's stand over here {crossing to L. with 
Irene) by the old broken bucket, and give somebody else 
a chance to say something. 

Plaintive music. Enter Olivia. 

Olivia. I thought I saw the shadow of a man coming 
through the gate ahead of me. Is this haunting dread of 
being followed never to cease? Eighteen wretched, tedious 
months since last I visited a beauty parlor ! Tomorrow 
seems no nearer than it did the day before yesterday ! Ah, 
woe is me, I might as well be dead ! But stop ! If I were 
dead, who would send for ? {Name of local under- 
taker.) No, hope is not quite dead. Hope, blessed hope, 
is lifting me up out of my grief, up to the gilded summit of 
my childhood dreams, like an elevator to a roof garden. 
Oh, I feel so weak ! And yet I only walked twenty-seven 



14 FOILED, BY HECK! 

miles and a half since breakfast. Why, oh why, didn't I 
lake a jitney? 

Clarence. Tell me, why are you here? 

Olivia. 'Twas a cruel fate that drove me here. They 
were moving some scenery over there {points off) and I 
had to go somewhere ! But even though I am here, my 
thoughts are away back, eighteen years ago, to the hap- 
piest days of my life. All was brightness and sunshine, 
but the time drew on, and at last we were plunged into 

misery and despair, when {mention local politician) 

announced himself a candidate again ! 

Irene. The poor woman. She has lost her mind. 

Olivia. No, I haven't lost it. I have merely changed 
it. , But I have only myself to blame. I was attracted by 
the ghtter of the social world ! I wanted life ! — excitement ! 
— the glamour of the city ! — the glitter and sparkle of high 
society ! So I got a job as cashier at a quick lunch res- 
taurant ! Oh, it is almost more than I can bear ! 

Clarence {snaps fingers and sings). She's a bear, she's 
a bear! 

Irene. How perfectly lovely ! 

Olivia {to Clarence). Something tells me you are my 
friend. Come, let me tell you a secret. {Kisses him.) 

Clarence {bashfully). Gosh all pumpkins, that ain't 
no secret to me. 

Olivia. You spurn me ! Like all men, you lead a trust- 
ing woman on — 

Clarence {gazing at Olivia). Where have I seen that 
face before? Oh, yes, now I remember. It was on a mag- 
azine cover. 

Olivia. And tell me, kind sir, who is this simple little 
country maiden? 

Irene. I may be a country maiden, but I'm not as simple 
as I look. 

Olivia. Is she not the picture of innocence? {Holds 
out both arms to Clarence.) Come, my hero! 

Irene. Nixe on the hero stuff. That {points at Clar- 
ence) belongs to me ! 



FOILED, BY HECK! IS 

Olivia. Ah, little girl, to gaze upon my raven locks, 
would you believe that I once had hair like yours? 

Irene (angrily). 'Tis false! 

Olivia. So was mine ! But come (gaily) there is no 
reason why we should not be friends. Isn't there some 
place around here where we can buy a drink? 

Irene. Oh, how perfectly lovely ! 

Clarence (to Olivia). Woman, I fear your presence 
here is fraught with some terrible calamity. 

Olivia. You said a mouthful ! Sylvester Brewster plots 
to step between you and your affianced bride ! 

Clarence. ' That's just what I suspected. Quick, Wat- 
son, the needle. (Takes oil-can from well-curb and presses 
it against his wrist, a la hypodermic injection.) And 
prithee, tell me, who is this Brewster person? 
Enter Sylvester up stage, unseen; he is smoking a cigarette. 

Olivia. He is a tall, dark man — 

Clarence. Not the guy with the open-faced suit? 

Olivia. Then you know him? 

Clarence. I have never seen him. But I will recognize 
him when I see him again. 

Olivia. Be on your guard. Already he has the papers — 

Clarence. I beg your pardon? 

Olivia. I say, already he has the papers — 

Clarence. Are you sure? 

Olivia. Posolutely ! 

Clarence. Well, that's different. 

Sylvester (aside). Curses! Foiled again! (Dashes 
cigarette to ground.) 

Clarence. And now let us go and see what we can find 
in the ice-box. And you can tell us the sad, sad story of 
your misspent life. 

Irene. How perfectly lovely! 

(Exeunt Olivia, Irene and Clarence down L. Syl- 
vester comes through gate and down stage, looking off L.) 

Sylvester. So, me proud beauty, you defy me hasty 
tempah and tip the game off to that rustic simpleton. I 
shall make you pay dearly for this. But the little country 



16 FOILED, BY HECK! 

girl — what a beauty she is. What a beauty ! I wonder 
what kind of massage cream she uses. {Lights cigarette.) 
Now I must see her father, and ask for her hand in mar- 
riage. Little does he dream that I already have a wife or 
two in Jersey City. (Turns toward house and whistles 
through teeth.) 

Reuben enters from house. 

Reuben. Gosh all fish-hooks, look who's here! {Calls 
to house.) Hey, Matildy, come on out. Here's a lightnin' 
rod agent. 

Mrs. Hanks enters from house. 

Mrs. H. Lightnin' rod nothin'. Do yew mean to say, 
Reuben Hanks, that yew don't know a villain when yew 
see one? 

Sylvester. My good woman, them is crool words. Why 
should you suspect that I am a villain ? 

Mrs. H. I can tell by your coat an' pants. 

Sylvester {aside). Curses! Foiled again! {Dashes 
cigarette to ground.) 

Reuben. Ain't yew ashamed, Matildy. Jest look how 
yew've made him feel. 

Sylvester. Mr. Hanks, I am a man of few words. I 
love your daughter! 

Mrs. H. Dew tell! Ain't he simply romantic? 

Reuben. Are ye sure ye love her for herself alone? 

Sylvester. Well, I wouldn't let a little thing like a brew- 
ery stand in the way. 

Reuben. No, young feller, I reckon it ain't no use. 

Mrs. H. She has sworn to marry none other than a mov- 
ing picture hero. 

Sylvester {reaching into inside coat pocket). Aha! 
Then it is fate that has brought me to you at this moment. 
I am a moving picture hero. 

Reuben. I)ew tell ! Kin ye prove it ? 

Enter Clarence L. 

Sylvester. I can, and here are the papers ! ( Showing 
paper.) 



FOILED, BY HECK! 17 

Mrs. H. Sakes alive, will wonders never cease! {Reads 
over Reuben's shoulder.) "Correspondence School of 
Moving Picture Acting"- — 

Clarence (aside). My diploma! He has stolen it! 
( Aloud.) Stop! (comes forzvard) Mr. Hanks, this man 
is not the rightful owner of that paper ! 

Sylvester (aside). Curses! He is trying to gum my 
game! I must strike while the flat-iron is hot! (Aloud.) 
Stand aside, clown! (To Reuben.) Now, Mr. Hanks — 

Clarence (clutches at paper). He has stolen the paper — 

Sylvester (furiously) . You will, will you? Then take 
that (slaps Clarence's cheek) and that! (same business 
other cheek). 

Clarence (mildly). I got it the first time. 

Sylvester (deliberately dusting himself with handker- 
chief). Take care how you attack me in the future. And 
remembah, I have a hasty tempah! (Exit.) 

Reuben, Clarence, did ye hear what thet man said? 

Clarence. Yes, and I believe he meant it. 

Mrs. H. Say what ye will, Reuben Hanks, thet thar city 
feller don't mean no good by our Irene ! 

Reuben. Oh, shucks ! 

Mrs. H. Come, Clarence. I wanter borrer yer safety 
razor to open a can o' sardines. (Exeunt Mrs. Hanks 
and Clarence into house.) 

Reuben. Well, by the great jumpin' Jehosephat, if this 
ain't dramatical ! I mustn't let Matildy know thet Irene 
is heiress to a brewerv, or she wouldn't never hear the last 
of it from the W. C. T. U. (Exit.) 
Enter Irene. 

Irene. How perfectly annoying! That rascal Sylvester 
Brewster insists that I must become his bride, and scorn 
the honest love of Clarence Codd. And he tried by brute 
force to take from me the papers that give me the title 
to Uncle Lud wig's brewery. (Thinks deeply.) There is 
something about Sylvester Brewster that I don't quite 
trust ! 



18 FOILED, BY HECK! 

Enter Sylvester stealthily, smoking a cigarette. He fol- 
lozvs close on her footsteps. 

Irene. I think the papers will be safer if I hide them in 
the old sycamore tree. No one would ever think of looking 
there. (Pitts paper in tree.) Now, Sylvester Brewster, do 
your worst ! The papers are beyond your reach ! ( With 
a zvickcd grin, Sylvester takes the paper from the tree. 
Exit Irene.) 

Sylvester {laughs maliciously). Aha! Little did she 
know that the eagle eye of Sylvester Brewster was upon 
her when she secreted the precious paper in the old crab- 
apple tree ! 

Clarence enters unseen, and watches Sylvester, 

Sylvester. Now I will go to the hotel and pack my 
toothbrush and my silk pajamas, and then for Milwaukee 
and untold millions! {Starts to exit.) 

Clarence {calmly, with arms folded, blocks Sylvester's 
path). Scoundrel! 

Sylvester {cringing). Curses! Foiled again! 

Clarence. I saw you swipe the paper from yonder 
eucalyptus tree. 

Sylvester. What paper? 

Clarence. Sand paper ! — Come now, there's a good 
fellow, slip me the paper and I will not press my charge 
against you. 

Sylvester {defiant for a moment; then, desperately). 
Very well, then. 

Olivia enters unseen. 

Sylvester. You have the whip handle over me. But 
the time is coming when I shall have me revenge. Here 
is your mean old paper. {Hands him paper from pocket.) 

Clarence {looks at paper). My moving picture di- 
ploma ! So this, Sylvester Brewster, explains your mys- 
terious presence here. You would rob me of my career, as 
well as of my affianced bride ! 

Sylvester (aside). Jiminy Christmas! I have gave him 
the wrong paper! {Aside to Olivia.) All is not yet lost. 



FOILED, BY HECK! , 19 

I still hold the deed to the brewery! (Aside.) Aha, Clar-' 
ence Codd, I have outwitted you in a masterly manner ! 
(To Clarence.) Will you lend me a match? (Takes 
match from Clarence and lights cigarette.) Thanks aw- 
fully, old top. I'm jolly well obliged to you, don't y' know. 
(Exit jauntily.) 

Clarence (flirtatiously). Well, if it isn't little Hazel 
Kirke ! How d'you do, kiddo? (Approaches as though to 
embrace her.) 

Olivia. Stand back, villain ! 

Clarence. I ain't no villyun, gosh darn it ! I'm the 
hero. 

Olivia (coyly). Well, that's different. 

Clarence. Woman, you are too beautiful to be good. 

Olivia. No one knows how I have suffered ! 

Clarence. Why don't you read the patent medicine 
ads? While there's life (points finger upzvard) there's 
dope ! 

Olivia. I believe you are a man to be trusted. 

Clarence. Everybody else makes me pay cash. Do 
you feel like telling me your guilty secret? 

Olivia. Oh, if I only dared ! But someone might see 
us together! 

Clarence. I'll fix that. (Blozvs ; all lights out, spot on 
Olivia.) Now we can keep it dark. 

Olivia. You are so thoughtful ! Well, then, three years 
ago— 

Clarence (holds up one hand). One moment, one 
moment! (To orchestra leader.) A little chills and fever, 
please, professor. (PMntive Music.) 

Olivia. Three years ago I lived in Hoboken (or near-by 
town), with my step-mother and her husband and my little 
brother Joe. 

Clarence (snaps fingers as though rolling dice). Little 
Joe ! Little Joe ! 

Olivia. Father was assistant cashier in a livery stable, 
and he fell in love with his stenographer — she took down 
the hay for the horses. 



20 » FOILED, BY HECK! 

Clarence. Nay, nay, Pauline! But go on. The spot 
light is getting thin around the edges. 

Olivia. One dark and stormy night the old man was 
coming home, down an alley — clutching his revolver tightly 
— the revolver wasn't loaded, but he was. Suddenly — a 
man jumped out — and fanned him on the bean — 

Clarence. Strike tuh, the umpire said ! 

Olivia. They brought him home. They called a doctor 
in. The old man was dying, but the doctor saved his life. 
Some day, when I find that doctor — I am going to put paris 
green in his vegetable soup ! 

(Cymbal and bass drum crash. Music stops.) 

Spotlight jumps to wings, where Sylvester appears, un- 
seen by the others. He strikes attitude of listening, Spot- 
light now jumps to Clarence. 

Clarence. But how does Sylvester Brewster come in? 

(Spotlight jumps to Olivia.) 
Olivia (looks into audience). If he's here tonight, he 
came in on a pass. 

(Spotlight jumps to Clarence^ who stands by zvell-ciirb.) 
Clarence (applying oil-can to wrist). Quick, Watson, 
the hat-pin. 

(Spotlight jumps to Sylvester.) 

Sylvester. Curses! Oiled again! (Exit.) 
(Spotlight goes out. Olivia exit while stage is dark.) 
Clarence. Gosh darn that spotlight ! 

(Lights all up.) 
Clarence. She has vanished into thin air. I will vanish 
into the alley! (Exit.) 

Enter Reuben from house, and Sylvester up L, coming 
dozvn through gate. 

Reuben. By the gosh all hemlock gee whilliken, if that 
ain't the lightnin'-rod agent ag'in ! Jiminy Christmas, 
young feller, it do beat all git out how yew hang ara )und 
here. 



FOILED, BY HECK! 21 

Sylvester. Mr. Hanks, at last I have you in my power. 
Will you or will you not? 

Reuben. Will I or won't I what? 

Sylvester. Never mind what. 

Reuben. I will not! 

Sylvester (takes paper from pocket). Then you shall 
know how it feels to be ground beneath the heel of a re- 
morseless foe ! 

Enter Irene awe? Mrs. Hanks on porch from house. 

Sylvester. Here I hold the mortgage on your farm. 
I am going to foreclose ! 

Mrs. H. Reuben, do you hear what this man says? 

Irene. He said something about going for clothes. 

Reuben. The savings of a lifetime swept away ! 

Sylvester. I will tear up the papers and the farm will 
be yours — on one condition. 

Reuben. And that is — 

Enter, unseen, Olivia, who listens attentively. 

Sylvester. The hand of your daughter in marriage. 

Irene. Oh, what have I done to merit a fate far worse 
than death itself ? 

Mrs. H. Irene, you ungrateful child ! Don't you want 
to live in the city and be a fine lady, and have four servants 
besides a dumb-waiter? 

Sylvester. And wear diamonds and rubies? 

Reuben. That's right, b'gosh ! An' go to the movies 
every Saturday night? 

Irene. Oh, how perfectly lovely! 

Sylvester. Then com.e to my arms, and seal your 
promise with a 

(Irene is about to go to him, when Olivia jumps tip and 
down excitedly, swinging her arms and making a great noise 
with her feet. This is a sudden transition from "em,otional" 
character to "tough" character, and to he effective, Olivia's 
change in manner must he clear-cut and complete.) 

Olivia. Hey, Clarence ! Look what Irene's doing ! 

Clarence enters. Irene and Sylvester hold their pose. 



22 FOILED, BY HECK! 

Olivia. Clarence, are we going to stand for that? 

Clarence (reaching to hip pocket). Villain! 

Sylvester. Ouch ! 

Clarence. Were you going to make so bold as to kiss 
that girl ? 

Sylvester {shaking his head half-wittedly). Mpm! 
{Meaning "no.") 

Clarence. Then get out of the way and let me do it. 
{Withdraws hand from pocket, bringing out handkerchief, 
which he daintily touches to his lips. He then makes 
ridiculous preparations to kiss Irene, placing her in various 
poses, stepping back to view the effect, etc., during the en- 
suing dialogue.) 

Olivia. And this is all the thanks I get for putting him 
wise to the big boob ! 

Sylvester. Woman, you here again ! I shall make you 
pay dearly for this day's work ! Are you prepared to die ? 
{Draws big razor and opens it.) 

Olivia. Drop that, you pickled pig's-foot! That razor 
will get you into trouble, the first thing you know. 

Sylvester. What do you mean, you shameless huzzy? 
( Gestures threateningly.) 

Olivia. I saw you steal it out of a non-union barber- 
shop ! 

Sylvester. Curses! Foiled again! {Throws razor 
dozvn and lights cigarette.) 

Irene. Oh, how perfectly lovely ! 

Mrs. H. {looking intently at Sylvester). Reuben! At 
last I have perpetrated this man's disguise ! Do you know 
who he is? 

Reuben, Sure. Who is he? 

Mrs. H. Why, he's the feller that sold us the shock ab- 
sorbers for the flivver ! 

Reuben, Bless you, my children. 

Olivia {again dramatically, going back to the "sob" 
character). Oh, I am fainting! {Faints into Sylvester's 
arms.) 

Sylvester. Curses ! Curses ! 



FOILED, BY HECK! 23 

Clarence {who has just succeeded in kissing Irene as 
preceding dialogue finishes; waves clenched fist victoriously 
at Sylvester). Foiled, by Heck! 

Music : Wedding March. 
SLOW CURTAIN. 



Her Honor the Mayor 

By MARY MODENA BURNS, A. M. 
Price, 25 Cents 

A farcical satire in 3 acts; 3 males, 5 females. One of the 
latter may be assumed by a man. Time, 2 hours. Scene: A 
parlor. Characters: Lester Parmenter, who becomes the mayor's 
husband. Hon. Mike McGoon, wlio becomes the hired girl. Clar- 
ence Greenway, tlie village groom. Eve Greenway, who becomes 
the mayor. Doris Denton, tlie fire chief. Rosalie Myers, her 
chum. Eliza Goober, the "cullud" cook, who becomes the chief 
of police. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Eve's suburban villa. Three Indignant suffragists. "I 
tell you, girls, the more a woman sees of a man, the more she 
likes a bulldog." Eve joins the cause of woman's rights. "I'll 
show you how a weak, clinging vine can tame a mere man." 
Lester Parmenter, Eve's fiance and candidate for Mayor, is tamed. 
The political boss has a tilt with the leader of the suffragettes. 
"If a woman is a rag, a bone and a hank of hair, then man is a 
jag, a drone and a tank of air!" The boss bribes the "cullud" 
hired girl to drug Lester. Eve dreams she has been elected 
Mayor. 

Act II. — Eve's dream. Women are making the laws and men 
are making the beds. "I've been darning stockings like a dutiful 
husband." Lester asks his wife for a little money. "What did 
you do with that dollar and a half I gave you last week?" Clar- 
ence is insulted by Mrs. McNabb and is rescued by Doris Denton, 
the brave Fire Chief. Rosalie bribes the Mayor. A "cullud" Chief 
of the Police. Mrs. McNabb proposes to Clarence. "I still hold 
the winning card." A duel for the documents. "Saved, saved!" 

Act III. — Eve still dreams. Clarence's wedding day. Mike de- 
mands the ballot for men. "We have to pay taxes and why 
shouldn't we be allowed the ballot? Votes for Men!" The elope- 
ment of Clarence. Eliza arrests Mike, but he produces the "col- 
lateral" and is set free. "Officer, do your duty." Her Honor the 
Mayor is arrested. Eve awakes and learns that it was all a dream. 



The Lady of the Opera House 

By FANNY CANNON 

Price, 25 Cents 

Dramatic sketch; 2 males, 2 females. Time, 30 minutes. It 
deals witli the affairs of a man and woman, struggling young 
artists. The old theme of misdirected love, jealousy and the 
realization of true devotion treated in a delightfully original man- 
ner. A most unusual bit of dramatic writing and not intended 
for beginners, but clever ambitious amateurs will find it an excel- 
lent vehicle in which to display their talent. There, is nothing 
published better suited for dramatic schools. The author's book, 
"Writing and Selling a Play," is a sufficient recommendation as 
to her ability as a dramatist. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given 



Winning Widow, 2 acts, ll/i hrs. 

(2Sc) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hi-...(2Sc) 17 

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FARCES, COIMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min . 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 miij... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min. 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min. . S 
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Country Justice, 15 min 8 

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First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 
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min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
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Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 
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VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, iMON- 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

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Cold Fiiiish, IS min 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min 2 

Coontown. Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 
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Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, IS min 1 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 1 min . . 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, IS m. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 1 5 /min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. T 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, IS min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
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Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

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lintertainments for all the holidays. 
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Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
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Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
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A gem of a book. 
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Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricails. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux "and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
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A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

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A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland.via the Ha-Ha Route. 

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